Eary 20's Footpath

最近很有好感的對象

是我以前想都沒想過的類型

Being positive gives me courage to step out of my comfort zone and push my boundaries further into a new land. I figured out that most hindrances I face are not the blockades on the road, but my assumptions that discourage me from trying.

One simple thought does change.

I am waiting.

Most of the time, I have to stand up and fight for my right and compete for the opportunities. But sometimes I have to wait. Wait for the dawn of day, wait for the proper moment, wait for the news.

 Showing my weakness or deficiency publically is always a taboo or red zone that I strive to avoid. But apparently I did step into my red zone many times that forced me to exam my defects.

The problem is my proclivity of inadvertence. Inadvertence indicates that I am not serious enough with life and myself. Thus all the results turn out to be appallingly crappy, thus rise the opportunities of public humiliation. Having a crappy life is far from my intention, so it is time to get serious.

Freedom never comes in free, I labor to pay its bill. 

Freedom never comes in joy, I suffer to wait for its dawn.

I am now in a gray zone of

frabrication and reality,

For me, the internet is  fascinating double blades: it gives me a sense of security and yet it is never secure.

I feel safe typing down my thoughts since no one knows my real life identity; however, every information I give should be under detailed scrutiny before pushing the "send out" button since every clue is traceable and may eventually lead to my exposure.

Wrting is so damn hard. Not only I have problems connecting sentences in smoothing, logical flow, but I always stuck with choosing the right words to express my thoughts. Good writers picture vivid imagery and well-defined characters in one or two sentences, and I scratch my scalp for hours to sqeeze out poorly-organized rubbish to confuse myself in proof-reading.

I am bad at argumentative essay. It is a catch-22 for me: I cannot write sophisticated sentences and keep punctual at the same time; either I lost myself in complicated grammers or write straight with kindergarten-level vocabularies. Therefore, I am always jeolous of eloquent  people for their adroit joggling of words and thoughts.

It has been a week and I still cannot put Mr. Thornton out of my mind. This is rediculous. I have not developed similar crush on any real man before and now I am falling for a fictional character? This is childish, and I must stop all this. So I decide to do some research of the actor, hoping that I can regain my sanity after learning about his cons: Maybe he is bad-tempered? or maybe he has substance abuse? I google his name and start reading some of his press interviews....wrong decision.

Now I am hooked. This is really bad, worse than I can imagine. Not only I obsessively collect his interviews, I also wiki his hometown, Leicester, and follow his education history. I want to know the actor as a person. Why and how he develop an interest in acting at such an early age? He seems steadfastily determined to be an actor when he was around 14. This really intrigues me.

I admit that taste changes with age. About three years ago I was attracted to clean, arty, scholar-like actors, like Richard Gere and Hugh Grant. Not until recently I found that they no longer occupy my top lists, but instead, musculine, principled, discreet actors become my favorites.

The newly additive names include Gerard Butler. Don't get me wrong, I did not get swept over by his appearance in the 300, but by his phantom of the opera. The movie really raised my curiosity and amazement, espeicially after learning that he himself did all the vocal actings. Whoa, a man with muscle and brain, and the killer is that he also has a good voice.... cute, cute and cute.